I was fired

I know what it is like to be fired. Even if you see it coming, it still hurts deeply. Words like: "I have replaced you" or "We are terminating you," or “Your position has been eliminated," can take your breath away. When I heard them, I didn't know how I would provide for myself or my family. Worst of all, I knew I would have to tell my wife that I failed. It was like someone sucked all the air out of me, and there was not enough air to breathe. I felt like a diver when someone steps on the air hose.

I felt devastated. My world was consumed by grief and despair. I literally did not know what to do. I had trusted in myself and my job. After being told to leave, I had no job to trust, and I didn't know how to trust in myself. And I didn’t have too many kind words for God either.

It took some time for me to begin to admit to myself I had been fired. At first, I tried to pretend it didn't happen, saying it wasn't my fault, or it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. That didn’t help. I was caught in my own belief that I had failed. My imagination was filled with the horror of no job, no money, homelessness, disease and finally death.  And to some degree I was right.

At first my prayers were pleas that I would not have to go through the pain. When that didn't work, I began to pray for knowledge about how to find a new position, or a new source of money.  When that didn't happen, I was at my wit's end. 

And that is when I began to talk. When I acknowledged to other people that I did not know what to do or where to go, I came out of isolation and back into relationship. As I began to speak, I began to trust: first, other people, and then, myself. It took me a little longer to regain my trust in God.

The more I spoke about my grief, frustration and despair, and the more I listened to others around me, the more I recognized that, even though I had been fired, I still had a great deal to offer. Slowly I began to realize that I had not lost myself, I had only lost the opportunity to serve in that particular project. As I listened to others, I heard the question: "What do you want to do?" and "How do you want to serve?"

At first I had no answer. I was too caught up in my own drama. Slowly, I recognized people were not asking me what I needed or what I wanted to do, they were asking me how I wanted to serve. They believed I had something to offer. If I have something to offer, I have a reason for hope. I have a reason to live. And that is where I realized the mistake I had made. Looking back now, I realize that my fears came from the belief that I, alone, was responsible for my life, and that if I couldn't produce money, I would die. Today I know that is a lie.

I had fallen into the belief that I had to work to get air to live when the reality is that there was plenty of air for everyone. My beliefs were like a tight-fitting deep sea diver's helmet around my head. I thought my job was to find enough places to plug my air tube into to get sufficient oxygen.

When I focused on others, I saw that lots of people were breathing freely without a helmet. When I trusted enough to open my facemask, I found out I could breathe deeply. There was plenty of air freely available for the taking. The challenge was to believe I could trust that God would supply.

Finally, I understood that I was not responsible for providing all the things I needed. When I discovered that God would supply them, I was finally able to ask: "How can I serve?" That became my prayer.

God's hand was in all the new projects that came after that: the martial arts magazine, the Toshiba technical writing project, the Internet CD product . . . all the projects that followed came when I took a deep breath and trusted God to give me what I needed. I learned my job was to find people to serve.

I stopped blaming myself for not having all the answers. Getting fired gave me the opportunity to find out that even though I was not in control, I was going to be all right. The lesson was difficult to learn, but I didn’t give up. When I started asking God to help me find a place where I could serve, I found unexpected opportunities. I discovered there was plenty of air to breathe.

I also discovered that I didn’t have to do it all by myself. By listening to friends and family who cared about me, by asking God to help; and by asking for places to serve rather than to be served, I found I wasn’t alone and never had been.

If you are struggling today, take a deep breath and feel the wind on your face. You are a holy creation, a favorite of God. You have infinite possibilities before you. Accept this truth with confidence and joy. Ask for help from God, from friends and family, from those around you. Embrace the pain that losing a job brings.  Look for new freedom and the chance to serve. Know that all will be well.